Hope Is A Hammer You Use to Break the Glass

I have struggled with depression most of my adult life. I don’t talk about it very much, though I’m trying to do that more now, in part out of resistance to the commodified image of yoga teachers that prevails out there. I don’t want to be complicit in this narrative that if you just do yoga all your concerns melt away and you dwell in carefree bliss. That’s not consistent what it’s about for me and I don’t want to be part of a lie.

At the same time, I also have to be honest that my experience of the current politics runs through the prism of my personal struggle. I know people who are managing to survive this time with a lot more carefree joy than I have and I appreciate knowing that it is possible to see how bad things are, to engage with it, to be committed to trying to change it, but not let it touch you inside. I want that, but I don’t have it. (There’s a lovely metaphor in the Bhagavad Gita about this – that the lotus flower is in the water, but it doesn’t actually get wet. Thus, it is possible to be in the midst of many people and many things but maintain solitude. Or, possible to live in our imperfect world but not let it get you down).

At any rate. Three things that are helping me right now.

1)    I read the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. He was a psychologist in Austria before WWII who was then detained in a concentration camp during the war. He survived his time in the camp and went on to continue developing his own theory of psychology which integrated his preexisting scholarship and beliefs with his experiences in the camps. I decided to read the book because we use some of his insights in the NLLI curriculum and I don’t believe in teaching something I haven’t studied myself. Wow. I was unprepared for how relevant his stories and insights would be. He believes that the people who were most likely to survive the camps were those who had a sense of purpose and a mission. Many people died because of circumstances beyond their control. But of those who could survive – they weren’t randomly targeted, they didn’t contract deadly diseases, they managed to have enough food –  some were unable to handle the psychological trauma. Frankl believes his own survival – and for others who made it – a key factor was their personal sense of purpose.

Of course I hope we are going to head off the move toward fascism and totalitarianism and genocide in this country before we revisit Nazi Germany. But in some ways, for some people, it is already happening here.

And meanwhile, the key is how do we live while we also resist. How do we remain energized while we have to keep fighting.

A sense of purpose. Knowing our mission. It feels so powerful to affirm that.

2)    I got to see Ady Barkan last week when his Be a Hero tour stopped in Milwaukee. I’ve known Ady casually for several years, since we are both involved in progressive movement organizing. Aside from that professional connection, a few years ago his family moved to Santa Barbara and became close to one of my best friends, so I would hear stories about them all hanging out together. I followed the tragic news of his diagnosis with ALS through my friend’s care for him and his family, and then his rise to public prominence as his activism around his diagnosis started to get more attention. In the face of a rapidly degenerative disease and limited time remaining, most people might choose to stay home. Hang out with family. Find maximum avenues for enjoying life.

But Ady has only intensified his activism as his health has worsened. He is using his experience of our health care system as a foundation to demand something better for everyone. And his spirit is so vibrant, so alive and so full of wisdom for the rest of us.

When I met him, we spoke about the nature of hope. We agreed together that hope is an action verb – you feel better because of what you are doing to make the world a better place. He said, “hope is not a lottery ticket you win, but a hammer you use to break the glass in case of emergency.” He also shared with me that the activism is helping him cope with the health issues – that he feels better because of being around inspiring people who are making change.

I felt so uplifted from speaking with him – from his ability to pay full attention even in a crowded space full of interesting people. From his ability to pay full attention to every person that wanted to interact with him – not just me. From his ability to say something uplifting to ME when I felt that I should be offering him that support. I am still reflecting on the power of his spirit and how he touched me even though we spoke for only a few minutes. And how to integrate that into my personal purpose – to be vibrant and present enough to offer that to people around me as best I can.

3)    I’ve been reading Gita Bechsgaard’s The Gift of Consciousness, which is a commentary on the yoga sutras. There’s a very helpful discussion of the qualities of nature and how to practice based on which of them is more pervasive for you. One of the qualities is tamas – which is dull lethargy. To me it is analogous to depression – darkness, murkiness, lack of animation or movement, density. These are all things I experience when the depression hovers over me. The antidote is movement and action. Those can be the hardest things to choose when you feel a powerful inertia, but they are still the best solution.  She has a lovely way of explaining it:

In regards to tamas, the perspective for healing is always one of awakening and reorientation. There is no mild and gentle medicine that can lift its heaviness and its regressive pull. …The approaches to overcoming tamas are many and varied, but the underlying quality of such medicine is the same. Tamas blocks the flow of the life-force energy and the clarification of the inner mind. Only a fiery approach is able to enkindle again the light and wisdom within. (p 28)

So: big surprise! What helps with depression is action. It's why vigorous exercise is so important during the down times - when you feel your cells come alive, that physical experience also penetrates the mental/emotional/cognitive experience. That is true for me in yoga and in life. It is true for us as a community. What will help us weather the storms right now is action. Hopefulness comes from action, not the other way around. The more you feel stuck in the inertia, the disempowerment, the alienation of the moment, the more you have to find ways to be connected, take action, feel your own power and restore your spirit.

I hope you are holding yourself strongly in your purpose. How we fight is how we win and all of it has to be imbued with love and belief in a better path forward and in justice for all people.

With love, gratitude and solidarity forever.