I haven't posted in a few days because of the whirlwind of being back at work. But also because I've had the blues. I didn't notice the blues at first because of the whirlwind. There's flying to DC. Missing out on sleep because of how my commute works. Being in this building one block from the white house. Arriving on Tuesday with nothing on my calendar and then by Friday seeing every minute filled with meetings and projects. And every day, every single day, engaging with the reality of what is happening. I've been in meetings where people talked about the federal legislative plan for January and how we will participate. I've been in meetings where we talked about what is happening at the state level. It is all so much to take in.
Aside - people who are know how bad for working people is the Trump victory may not realize how much ground we also lost in many of the states. Which means that alongside every federal action, we will see a raft of state actions that will be as bad or worse. As impactful or more so. The state actions will also limit the scope of what new ground, new innovations we can carve out space for.
Two things I noticed from being back at work last week. First, the overall environment of mourning and grieving that surrounds me when I am here. It is a very dark time to be in the movement. I wish for any space to think about something else. When I am doing the part of my job that focuses on building strong local coalitions, I feel energized by the great people I work with and I feel myself adopting my fighting stance. Warrior I. But when I am here in HQ and just being part of the soupy mess of this moment, I feel really deflated and the despair sets in.
Second, aside from having my TIME scheduled so much and having so little TIME for yoga - not just yoga on the mat but also reading and reflecting - I also have very little brainspace. I feel like my brain is full to overflowing with a million things large and small the must be attended to. An email I forgot to respond to, a major strategic direction to decide, an event to prepare for, a phone call to return. I have thought a lot about how to figure out the rhythm of my life here so that yoga is a part of it, but I don't think I had quite realized how to create space in my brain to step away and think about something else. Or be in a non-thinking mode.
Last week I felt that maybe I had conquered the despair. What conquers despair is faith and discipline. Getting up every day, doing something that you know/have faith is good for you even if you don't know when the fog will clear. Waiting it out. Reading and thinking about hope.
This week I am realizing that what lies beneath the despair may be worse. It is a deep deep sorrowfulness. The only way to conquer that is to feel it fully and I don't feel ready for that.
So what to do, yoga-wise? I am thinking the focus now has to be inversion practice. Pretty much every sequence that addresses any kind of emotional imbalance includes long inversions. I have been trying to get back to my 10 minute headstand this last month. I lost it during election season and the aftermath. I don't think it is the physical strength, though I am aging and probably starting to lose physical strength more easily. But it feels to me more like mental fortitude and the ability to stay in one place for a long time. And maybe the ability to be quiet and internal. I know that working on that will help me cope in other areas of life.
I also think all the one-legged balancing poses will help. When the mind has to focus on balance, there isn't room to keep going back to the well of sadness and sitting by it, watching it, waiting for it to empty.
So that's my Monday. Still trying to incorporate gratitude every day. For today, I'm grateful for having a job where I get to live out and enact my values; having a contemplative practice that helps me make adjustments to relieve my own suffering; and the huge support network of people in the social justice movement and the yoga community who I know are rooting for me and us.
With love, solidarity and gratitude.
Aside - people who are know how bad for working people is the Trump victory may not realize how much ground we also lost in many of the states. Which means that alongside every federal action, we will see a raft of state actions that will be as bad or worse. As impactful or more so. The state actions will also limit the scope of what new ground, new innovations we can carve out space for.
Two things I noticed from being back at work last week. First, the overall environment of mourning and grieving that surrounds me when I am here. It is a very dark time to be in the movement. I wish for any space to think about something else. When I am doing the part of my job that focuses on building strong local coalitions, I feel energized by the great people I work with and I feel myself adopting my fighting stance. Warrior I. But when I am here in HQ and just being part of the soupy mess of this moment, I feel really deflated and the despair sets in.
Second, aside from having my TIME scheduled so much and having so little TIME for yoga - not just yoga on the mat but also reading and reflecting - I also have very little brainspace. I feel like my brain is full to overflowing with a million things large and small the must be attended to. An email I forgot to respond to, a major strategic direction to decide, an event to prepare for, a phone call to return. I have thought a lot about how to figure out the rhythm of my life here so that yoga is a part of it, but I don't think I had quite realized how to create space in my brain to step away and think about something else. Or be in a non-thinking mode.
Last week I felt that maybe I had conquered the despair. What conquers despair is faith and discipline. Getting up every day, doing something that you know/have faith is good for you even if you don't know when the fog will clear. Waiting it out. Reading and thinking about hope.
This week I am realizing that what lies beneath the despair may be worse. It is a deep deep sorrowfulness. The only way to conquer that is to feel it fully and I don't feel ready for that.
So what to do, yoga-wise? I am thinking the focus now has to be inversion practice. Pretty much every sequence that addresses any kind of emotional imbalance includes long inversions. I have been trying to get back to my 10 minute headstand this last month. I lost it during election season and the aftermath. I don't think it is the physical strength, though I am aging and probably starting to lose physical strength more easily. But it feels to me more like mental fortitude and the ability to stay in one place for a long time. And maybe the ability to be quiet and internal. I know that working on that will help me cope in other areas of life.
I also think all the one-legged balancing poses will help. When the mind has to focus on balance, there isn't room to keep going back to the well of sadness and sitting by it, watching it, waiting for it to empty.
So that's my Monday. Still trying to incorporate gratitude every day. For today, I'm grateful for having a job where I get to live out and enact my values; having a contemplative practice that helps me make adjustments to relieve my own suffering; and the huge support network of people in the social justice movement and the yoga community who I know are rooting for me and us.
With love, solidarity and gratitude.
Kathleen...being there in DC makes it so much more real. The love/hate relationship with the Whitehouse depending on the occupant. The chaos will be consuming, but try to just focus on today. Easier said then done I know...but just remember you are not alone....call...text..
ReplyDeleteThank you Lori, you are one of the people I am truly grateful for.
ReplyDeleteSharing every post on Facebook. You share the feelings of so many of my friends yet can also educate us regarding how things are on several levels we aren't all able to experience ourselves. I so wish none of this were so but am grateful for passionate people like you who devote themselves to speaking up for those who don't always have a voice for themselves. Sending you light and positive vibes for strength to carry on.
ReplyDeleteThank you Casey. It helps to feel connected and to know that my struggle to see the way forward is part of all of our struggles together. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteNon-thinking mode -- I crave it as an introvert, but in stressful times it's hard to find.
ReplyDelete