Don't Be a Bystander!

Two weeks ago I went to a bystander intervention training put on by SURJ-Milwaukee (Showing Up for Racial Justice). The point is to prepare us well-meaning-white-people (WMWP) to stop being bystanders, and get ready to intervene and disrupt harassment when it's happening around us. (SURJ is a great organization of white people organizing together to dismantle white supremacy; they avowedly work in partnership with people-of-color led organizations and if you have a chapter in your community, find it and join it!).

It was pretty great to see 60+ mostly white people from a well-off nearby suburb – in the neighborhood surrounding the yoga studio where I teach – gather to start figuring out how we do better. It really spoke to me about how great is the need for community right now and how the attack on people of color and on civil rights, and the related upsurge of hostility and hatred is calling together the people who disagree with that.

The messages of the training were super practical and helpful. What I got out of it: 

• We have to be ready to be disruptive. Everything around us just encourages us to put our heads down, go along with or avoid what is happening around us and try to stay out of the way. The kind of courage we need right now is the courage to go against that. It is no small thing.
• When you are witnessing an instance of harassment in public, the point is not to try to change the mind of the harasser by being so compelling and persuasive that you strip them of their beliefs. The point is to disrupt the harassment. 
• There are many possibly ways of disrupting – confrontation is one of them. But other options include creating a distraction or helping remove the targeted person from the situation. You don’t have to win an argument with the harasser, you just have to stand in solidarity somehow with the targeted person(s) and help them be safe. 
• The most important thing is staying in relationship to the person being targeted and making sure they’re okay. That means not trying to be the hero, not putting your actions at the center of the interaction, but checking in with the person being targeted and doing things that help them.

There was an additional lesson that I have been reflecting on a lot ever since: that what we do to build community outside of a particular instance of harassment is as important as how we intervene in the moment. The facilitator told a story of a white woman who lives near a park where children come to play. She noticed that when African-American children visited the park, the police would come, which seemed not right to her because – hey, it’s a park! There are supposed to be children playing there! What is the idea that African-American children need to be policed or might be causing trouble while white children are fine.

The facilitator explained that in a situation like that, she could try to build community with the children before the police ever come. She recommended the woman go over and introduce herself one day, learn their names, let them know she is available if they need anything. And then the next time the police came, she would be able to let the police know that she knows these kids, they are not a problem and there’s no need for policing them. All of which has since transpired.

[Understanding that the police aren’t inherently bad, but that when police interact with people of color the situation is much more fraught and dangerous than for white people, and that if white people can help minimize the frequency and toxicity of those interactions that is a huge contribution to making our world safer and more just for everyone.]

What an empowering and exciting idea – that what we do in the mundane every-day-ness of life – knowing our neighbors, paying attention to what is happening around us, being available as a resource – is actually one of the most critical ways to build a backstop against the harassment and violence happening around us.

That training, and then an excellent discussion of non-violence led by my friend Anne-Marie at a recent yoga workshop, got me reflecting on this beautiful sutra, which most serious yoga students and teachers profess a deep connection to:

Through cultivation of friendliness, compassion, joy, and indifference to pleasure and pain, virtue and vice respectively, the consciousness becomes favourably disposed, serene and benevolent. (1.33)

Friendliness, compassion and joy are critical elements of building community with those around us. I’ve been trying to pay more attention when I’m out in the neighborhood, say hi to people on the street, communicate in whatever way possible – hey I’m here for you. One thing I’m noticing is how much that is changing how I feel about myself. Of course – when you extend friendliness, compassion and joy to people around you, it also builds up the reserve you have inside which pervades your own inner self. The gift to others turns out to be the most powerful gift for yourself.

I think of the indifference, in relation to bystander intervention, as being indifferent to the result of your intervention. Meaning indifferent to how people might perceive you when you speak out. Indifferent to whether you get credit for it or not. Indifference to your own emotional triggers that arise in that situation.

One thing I noticed while I was in the training - I found myself thinking, "I'm not really out in public that often (working from home now) - I don't know if I find myself in that many places where this kind of thing is happening." And then immediately I realized that means I'm not really paying attention. Because people of color are being harassed all the time. It's just a question of whether you notice it. Especially if your life plays out in mostly white spaces - true for most of us white people who live in segregated communities - you need to be paying attention more. Because when people of color are few, they are more likely to be harassed and to feel that there are no allies or support around them. Be that person - the one who sees it happening and isn't afraid to step up and help. 

If you're interested in bystander intervention, you can find more information here: 

People's Response Team Chicago

ihollaback.org

watt.cashmusic.org

Wishing you all friendliness, joy, compassion and indifference. And love and community. And a feeling of safety, and knowing that someone nearby will have your back in case you don’t.

With love, gratitude and solidarity forever.