Back to Practice

Yikes I haven't written in three months. Not because the blog and the work are not on my mind, but because things became very complicated for me and I didn't want to make my turmoil public. 

And in part because I honestly didn't know what to say. Usually when I write it's because I've figured something out. But the last three months have been confusing and muddled. 

Now that my life is settling down a little bit, it's hard to know how to start blogging again. At some point, you can't write only out of inspiration. If you write even when you don't feel inspired, you are ready when inspiration comes. That's the very nature of practice. So I decided to start writing again, even if I'm not sure what or why. 

Just to catch up though: I went to India for three weeks in August and it was immediately apparent to me that my lifestyle had become unsustainable. I was physically out of whack from 18+ months of flying every single week and trying to manage a hectic work schedule, and mentally and emotionally out of whack from being enmeshed in the Trump reality. Right after I got to India, the Charlottesville tragedy occurred and I spent more time than I want to admit monitoring the US news, twitter, facebook, completely absorbed in the emotional turmoil of what was happening here. Completely not absorbed in the project of being in India. I just couldn't let go of it, no matter how destructive or painful to be connected. 

And meanwhile, the political situation at my workplace was becoming more difficult for me. That is the part that is hardest to write about, because however challenging my situation became, I still feel very protective of the labor movement. I know there are people who would like to know the details of our internal political struggles because they care. And others who would like to know out of schadenfreude. As much as I feel disheartened by what is happening, I never want to give fuel to the fire stoked by our harshest critics. The labor movement is imperfect. It is human. It is weakened by fractures. I want it to be better and stronger, not be broken. 

So I came back from India determined to leave my job and start figuring out a better way to live and work. I was at a familiar breaking point. Always, I tend toward being overly busy and scheduled. I love to be mentally and emotionally stimulated. I am absorbed in the struggle for justice. I have experienced this cycle of pushing forward without tending to its impact on me, getting burned out, crashing, and then starting over again. But this time I took that tendency to its very outer limits and I realized I can't live that way anymore. 

So I left my job. A week ago I worked my last day. I have some small consulting projects that can cushion the impact - both financially and energetically. But I will need to start looking for more permanent work. 

Since I started a deeper reading of the Bhagavad Gita earlier this year, I've been ruminating on a passage about the meaning of brachmacharya. Brachmacharya is one of the fundamental principles of yoga -  you can't make progress toward enlightenment without cultivating it. Brachmacharya is often translated as celibacy, but in the modern context we usually talk about in terms of constancy, faithfulness, consistency. Letting go of the expectation that in order to make spiritual progress you have to foreswear sex altogether, but rather you have to put it in its proper place in your life. 

But the translation of BG I'm reading this year draws that concept out much further. The point of brachmacharya is to conserve the life force so you have energy to devote to practice. 

...There are many other ways of losing prana (life force), even by simply overeating or oversleeping; doing anything immoderately; overindulgence; talking too much; laughing too much; running too much. Anything in excess takes away your vital energy. Then both mind and body weaken. (BG, 150)

I made a note of this passage back in April. I've been ruminating on it ever since. At some point, doing more, faster, with more chaos becomes simply unsustainable. 

I don't know what I'm doing next! It is an incredibly freeing - and terrifying - place to be! I'm definitely taking advantage of having a more spacious life right now - spending time with my spouse, cooking, exercising, practicing. I know this is a very special and rarified moment and that it won't last. But I have the intention of developing more of a connection to stillness and quiet, so that whatever comes next won't completely displace it. 

I am hoping to find ways to teach more yoga and mindfulness in the progressive movement. I feel called to integrate my work life and my yoga life more fully. I don't know what form that will take, but now begin the experiments. 

With love, gratitude and solidarity.