Wow it has been a very interesting couple of months in my
world. I left my job at the end of October and I’ve been learning a lot about
how much I depended on it for structure, for feeling valid and important, and
for filling up my time with tasks. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster learning
how to deal with unstructured time. I’m starting to get better at creating a
rhythm to my day and being busy enough without overscheduling. I’m working
about half-time, which feels like the right thing for right now. I can’t do
this forever (financially), but I appreciate having the break and I can feel my
energy and interests gathering themselves together in preparation for whatever
is the next big project. I recognize what a huge privilege it is to be in this
state, knowing all the people around me who would love to have this kind of
break. But it hasn’t been entirely pleasurable. I’m just working on the
discomfort and trying not to overschedule to avoid it.
Meanwhile, I’ve been so happy for the time to really invest
in my yoga practice.
In 2017 I had two areas of focus – practicing sauca
or cleanliness, and studying the Baghavad Gita. I am amazed at how those two
things helped me cope with the mental, emotional and political challenges of
the year. Against the backdrop of everything that played out in the wider world
and in my little world, I felt a constant sense of purpose. Reading the Baghavad
Gita grounded day-to-day struggles in my spiritual reality. Not drinking, but working in a world where
people drink a lot, I had a very regular invitation to choose abstention. Unlike
past intervals where I’ve given up alcohol for a month or two, I didn’t feel
deprived and I didn’t strain to endure it. I didn’t think about the glorious
day when I would have a beer or a glass of wine. Instead, a kind of restraint
developed inside me where I didn’t want it anymore. I don’t want to say I’ll
never drink again – I don’t judge it, I don’t think it is bad, and I don’t want
to set up a constraint to fight against. But I don’t feel like drinking now and
as long as I feel that way, I’m going to continue. It actually feels very
powerful, and physically, it is helping me sleep better and have more energy.
(I was less successful in 2017 at maintaining a healthy diet
and exercise plan and managing my obsessive consumption of the news. But I know
that making the effort helps, and somehow I ended up the year in a really good
place in both of those areas.)
For 2018, I’ve decided to focus on ahimsa –
non-violence. It feels like the most important thing to do right now, given all
the violence in thought and word and action in the world around us. I want to
focus on non-violence because of the violence of racism, poverty and
inequality. Because of the violence of
every single utterance from DJT. Because the policies playing out before us are
increasing violence. But also because of the violence I have inside of me – the
tendency to judge, be cynical, think I know better than other people how they should
behave, which is a kind of violence. The tendency to think ill of others, or be
critical of them. And I also want to focus on ahimsa in relation to our
planet. I want to reduce my carbon footprint, stop using so much plastic and
make time and effort to reduce consumption overall.
I have a couple of specific projects to give shape to this
intention. I’m training to teach yoga to people dealing with trauma, in preparation
to start teaching yoga in the Milwaukee County jail. It is overwhelming me a
little bit and I can see that I have a lot to learn. But I’m excited to make
the yoga that has helped me so much more accessible to people who need it. The
training is challenging me to think about how I teach, the power dynamics of
the class, and how to practice and teach for inner healing and not for praise
or accomplishment. I’m eager for whatever internal transformation I have to
undergo to take this on.
I also plan to seriously minimize the use of plastic in my home.
When I set this intention at the beginning of the year, I was mostly thinking
about getting better at the obvious stuff – bringing my own grocery bags to the
store, bringing my own water bottle everywhere. But now that I’m researching it
and seeking out alternatives to plastic – I see plastic everywhere I look.
Hygiene products, cleaning supplies. The food I buy. Pet stuff. It’s going to
take the whole year to look at all the areas of my life where there’s too much
plastic and learn how to choose alternatives. A fun learning experience and
something that will definitely give shape and structure to the coming year.
One great thing about focusing on ahimsa is the
provocation to really study the relevant sutras. There’s actually a pretty
lengthy passage in the sutras about non violence and the commentary in the
Edwin Bryant translation is incredibly rich. So I want to take my time working
through them. For today, just this one gem:
11.35 When non-violence in speech, thought and action is
established, one’s aggressive nature is relinquished and others abandon hostility
in one’s presence.
What more worthy project than that?
If you’re on this journey with me, know how much I
appreciate you and whatever you are focusing on in 2018.
With love, gratitude and solidarity forever.
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